The following was sent to me by a reader in Australia. It’s a set of exerpts from a “reflective journal” he and his fellow associates were required to keep during their first few months as newly-crowned lawyers (you have to love these perky HR schemes meant to “encourage reflection on the learning derived from your workplace experience” that quickly dissolve into fetid dumping grounds for misery and rage). The entries beautifully illustrate the “Flowers For Algernon”-esque journey through the stages of disillusionment, resistance, resignation, depression and gradual acceptance that so many fledgling lawyers/bankers/consultants/insert-soulless-corporate-field-heres experience. How will the story end? Who knows. Hopefully he’ll keep me (and the diary) updated. And refill that Paxil prescription.

Date: Monday
What happened: I was told by a senior lawyer to stop wasting his time and get him the document requested.
How you felt: I felt belittled and disempowered. I felt depressed at having to resign myself to abuse in a situation over which I was powerless to change.
What you learnt: At a junior level, you’ve just got to keep your mouth shut.
Likely application in future: I understood where he was coming from, and am determined to not repeat my error. Still, no one likes being abused.

Date: Tuesday
What happened: I sat down to write in the Journal.
How you felt: I feel constrained by the format and suffer lingering and deep-seated resentment about the assessment for this unit. Work for work’s sake is a ridiculous proposition. This journal bears a resemblance to splitting rocks, to digging holes only to fill them back in.
What you learnt: Sometimes you just have to do it. Camus is right- one must imagine Sisyphus with a smile. (Although he’s lucky Zeus never heard of the ‘reflective journal’)
Likely application in future: Until I gain seniority, I just have to put up with it and do as I am told.

Date: Monday
What happened: I returned from two weeks of holiday
How you felt: I feel constrained by the office environment and have trouble staying awake. I have now realised that the working life is not for me.
What you learnt: I need to pay rent and buy food to eat. A new CD or book is also nice every now and then.
Likely application in future: Keep buying Tattslotto tickets and hit the vino to take the edge off in the meantime.

Date: Friday
What happened: This month has been slow. The billable hours are down and I am struggling to occupy myself during the day
How you felt: I feel like I am just making up time, working for work’s sake. I’d rather be busy and have a full and satisfying day than look for work to do.
What you learnt: When work is slow, discipline is required to force oneself to take care of all the administrative and pursuit tasks
Likely application in future: I’m going to sell my soul on Ebay. I wonder how much I’ll get….

Date: Wednesday
What happened: I have had a vision. My legal career is over.
How you felt: I feel like I have lost the love of my life.
What you learnt: Making kids pick their careers at the age of 17 is one of the greatest crimes modern society has on its conscience. Yes, I realise that this is quite a big claim given the roll-call of 20th century disasters, and yes I realise that the 21st century, while perhaps not replicating the scale of calamities of the past, is doing its best to keep up.
Likely application in future: My new attitude is really a continuation of my old one, except future work, GDP and non-GDP, now holds even less promise of reward and fulfilment. But at least I have this journal to record the blackness of my days.

Date: Wednesday
What happened: I reflected further on my feelings towards a career in law.
How you felt: I have developed a yearning for warm, dark, cramped spaces.
What you learnt: I do not think that my fading, or perhaps faded, enthusiasm for a career in law is attributable to X Firm, nor, for the record, to the GDP.
Likely application in future: The sacrifices involved in succeeding in such an environment are, at this stage, beyond me. I simply do not see the pay-off (basically, deniros), as being worth it. But this is not a moral position, and I admire people who can survive in this environment. The best I can do is quote from Radiohead:
“I wish I was special
But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here”

Date: Who Cares
What happened: I have been diagnosed with low-level clinical depression. My doctor says it is work-related.
How you felt: Nothing
What you learnt: Nothing
Likely application in future: Nothing

Date: Unknown
What happened: I’ve been compiling source document folders for verification of a prospectus for 10 days now.
How you felt: Photocopy, highlight, hole-punch, insert; photocopy, highlight, hole-punch, insert; photocopy, highlight, hole-punch, insert; photocopy, highlight, hole-punch, insert; photocopy, highlight, hole-punch, insert; photocopy…. ad n a u s e u m
What you learnt: I realise I’m at the bottom of the heap and this is a necessary part of the transaction. But for Christ’s sake.
Likely application in future: What will I be like in five years when the good work comes? Do I even want to do the good work?

Date: Wednesday
What happened: A colleague was given two fish for her admission present. She’s been keeping them in her office.
How you felt: One of them died tonight.
What you learnt: Nothing.
Likely application in future: X Firm is rough on all of us.

Date: Whenever
What happened: The sky is a thick, grey bank of cloud, save for a bright circle of blue.
How you felt: I name this circle the weekend.
What you learnt: But I see, looming up with a hideous black mass and foul, unbearable stench, the next week, the next instalment in this horrible, drawn out confiscation of my life.
Likely application in future: Sigh. I think I need to go and see my doctor again.