“Codependent” is a funny word. We use it as an insult, tossing it out to mean neediness, instability, clingy desperation and other forms of “pathetic” behavior. “I had to dump her. She was driving me nuts — wanted to hang out all the time, see me every night, talk about everything in our lives — a total codependent.” It’s one of the worst labels you can gain in the dating sphere, a scarlet “C” branded on your chest. The message we get is clear: Being too dependent, too reliant on another person for love, care, emotional support, is a bad thing, an unforgivable sign of weakness that reveals a deeper character flaw. Dependence is Bad, while “self” is Good – self-sufficiency, self-realization, self-actualization, self-reliance, and all those other words that slice other human beings cleanly out of the equation.

And, for the most part, we eat this idea up like candy – call it fallout from the cult of individualism that prides itself on existing solely on a social diet of Facebook and Instant Messaging. You mustn’t rely on another person to provide your happiness! You are your own island, entire of yourself! Of course, the Catch 22 is that, in the process of proving our superhuman levels of independence and showing potential mates just how much we don’t need them, the arteries to intimacy are easily severed.

Still, desperate to keep as far as possible from the dreaded “C” label, we steer relationships due North, approaching each date like a Black Hole ready to slurp up our precious autonomy. And inevitably, we fail: “Isn’t it great that I’m such an independent individual? That I’ve kept my individuality and secure identity through every relationship? I’m so glad Chris and I aren’t totally swept up in each others’ lives and that we’ve both got our own separate interests. We keep a healthy distance, with plenty of time for ourselves. He hasn’t called me in two days – but it’s fine, a healthy expression of our mutual respect for each others’ alone time. So I’m not calling him. If he doesn’t call tomorrow, that’ll be fine too. I honestly don’t need him. I don’t need anybody. I’m self-reliant! And he hasn’t called me. After we had such an amazing time this weekend! He doesn’t feel the need to pick up the phone and call, or e-mail, or even acknowledge my existence after that? Not even a text message??? WHY THE FUCK HASN’T HE CALLED ME IN TWO DAYS?!?!”

The thing is, at the end of the day, it’s all a steaming crock, isn’t it? We’re programmed to be codependent. Other people have the power to launch us from bliss to abject misery on a daily basis, and there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it. So why not just cut the act?

Sure, there are the harmful extremes, like finding yourself at the mercy of an abusive, controlling partner who treats your emotional well-being like a paintball target. But why stake a flag in the opposite pole just to avoid the worst case scenario? We’re deluding ourselves if we think we can happily go it alone. Three million years of evolving as a gregarious species are working against us on that one. Spend enough time, clothed or naked, with someone, and attachment pretty inevitably follows.

So fuck it – I’m tired of faking self-reliance. I’ll admit it – I’m codependent, in that all I really want in life is someone who spends most of his time not wanting to be anywhere on earth more than he wants to be with me. Is that so wrong?

Of course, then it’s just a matter of finding someone else who feels exactly the same way.