Ahh relationships. The great emotional equalizer. No matter how mature, sensible, rational or stable we might think we are, every one of us is capable of going completely batshit insane over another human being. The second you get too comfortable, maybe eyeing the bickering couple at the next dinner table with a self-righteous shrug or shaking your head at the frazzled parents having a meltdown in the frozen foods aisle, that’s when your moment is due. Time for fate to play a hand and karma to bring its four-inch spike heel down on your naked toe. One minute you’re a reasonable person, going about your life in love and harmony with your chosen partner, the next you’re a schizoid banshee, screaming unintelligible profanities on a rainy streetcorner at 2 in the morning.

What? Me?? Act like that? Never! I detest drama, I always respect my partner, I am perfectly able to work out conflict in a calm and reasonable manner. Oh really? You too? HA! What a laugh.

I’ve always wondered if it’s unique to humans, this ability to love someone so much it makes your spleen ache but at the same time you want to bean him/her in the forehead with a can of stewed tomatoes. Do other animals experience this sort of thing? That queasy roiling in your gut that travels up your chest to your temples, every emotion kicking into hyperdrive, where the only coherent thought you can register is that you can’t fucking stand him, never ever want to see him again, but also never want to be without him for another nanosecond, all at the same time? Do gorillas ever feel that? Llamas? Penguins? I guess it stifles the conflict a bit when your mate has a 60% chance of being shot by poachers, starving in the frozen tundra or getting chomped by a polar bear.