Ah second-year law students, how I envy you. Donning pressed wool suits in the still-hot weather, milling around bite-size interview rooms anxiously awaiting your turn on the slab, clutching leather folders in sweaty palms as the Skadden or Simpson parner laughs uproariously at something the interviewee directly before you said, shooting fleeting glances at her face as she marches triumphantly from the room, leaving you to follow her stellar performance with your piddling Con Law jokes. Then on to the callbacks, those 5-hour marathons, a subsidized trip to the Midtown or Wall Street palace itself and a chance to fully prostrate yourself before the altar of six-figure glory. All those fifth- or sixth-year associates interviewing you in 25-minute sessions, so poised and self-assured in their black ergonomic desk chairs, the view of the Empire State Building stretching out through their office windows. But what are they really thinking when you cross that threshold into that first convivial, if a bit stiff, handshake? Lucky for you, I’ve asked several friends just that, and am here to convey the truth. Various versions of the following conversation have occurred with at least three lawyer friends in the past month, either by IM, email or even (gasp) phone.

ME: Hey – any interviewees coming in soon?

Gainfully Employed Lawyer Friend: As always. Steady stream. One today.

ME: Lateral? Or law student?

GELF: Student. He he.

ME: Yikes – poor kid. Be nice.

GELF: Cows to the slaughter.

ME: Tell him/her to run for the hills immediately.

GELF: No chance – that’s your job. I still get paychecks from here.

ME: Point taken.

GELF: Cow’ll be here in 5, gotta go think up something positive to say about this place.

ME: You can come up with that much BS in under 5 minutes?

GELF: Yup. Comes with practice.