Bless you, Michael Noer, author of the journalistic gem “Don’t Marry Career Women” (originally removed from the Forbes website in an obvious mea culpa but then reposted with a female rebuttal), for saving my relationship. Here I was second-guessing my decision to quit my six-figure job, fretting and fussing over whether my darling boyfriend would cast me aside as I morphed from a harried, neurotic corporate drone to a harried, neurotic blogger/freelancer, spending my unwashed days drowning in green tea and Doritos. Thanks to your gifted and masterful guidance, now I can loaf around my living room in peace, knowing that he’s less likely to leave me for the Dolce & Gabbana fit model with the quarter-tight ass who lives down the hall.

According to Forbes.com, modern men should flee the vicinity if they encounter a potential mate with any of the following: a university-level or higher education, a job requiring 35 hours or more hours per week outside the home, or an income of over $30,000. Tying yourself to one of these hyperdriven minxes rather than a docile, time-capsule-bred homemaker will no doubt lead to soul-demolishing consequences including adultery, divorce, suicide, erectile dysfunction and a dirty house.

Lucky for us girls, we have guidance from The Book of Noer to save us from forcing our men into this fate. And here I was reading The Times and thinking I’d have to nab the nearest checkout clerk job so my boyfriend could quit working for good and live off my meager earnings and multiple mortgages. But now, as Noer’s newest disciple, I have taken it upon myself to organize his teachings into a handbook for women. Here we have it, straight from the prophet’s mouth, the Nine Ways To Avoid Becoming a Pathetic Dried-Up Unmarriageable Waste of Humanity:

1) Make it clear you’re dying to squeeze a ring around his finger at the first available opportunity.
Since women with careers are, according to countless 98-year-old experts, less likely to want to get married, be sure to let your potential mate know that you can’t wait to drag his limp, flabby body to the altar. Ultimatums, temper tantrums and weekly field trips to Tiffanys are all excellent means of assuring him you’re charged and raring to wed.

2) If you have a job, pinkie swear with your hubby-to-be that you’ll retire the moment you leave the altar and never never never ask for a divorce.
As Noer points out, couples in which both spouses work are statistically more likely to get divorced. Since men make all the money in the world and have no responsibility whatsoever for maintaining romantic relationships, this statistic must mean that blame for this higher divorce rate rests solely on the shoulders of working women. Only after you purge yourself of this invidious culpability and commit to a life of (his) happiness can your marriage hope to survive.

3) After marriage, lock yourself in your white picket fence home and never again interact with another human being in possession of a working penis (with the exception of your husband, of course).
According to The Book of Noer, working women are far more likely to cheat. Banging the 19-year-old Toys R Us sales clerk in the stockroom while Daddy’s at the office bending his Brazilian secretary over a copy machine is by far the most egregious atrocity a wife could commit. Your husband’s fragile mind cannot be soothed unless he knows his darling wife is locked away, safe from violation by any and all penises roaming the neighborhood. Chastity belts are an excellent option.

4) Within a year after marriage, make absolutely sure that tidy, photogenic offspring are shooting from your womb with superhuman frequency.
An educated career-oriented wife is less likely to give her beloved husband the single greatest gift a woman can produce: legions of captivating and compliant babies to worship him in the form of a golden icon. Be sure to breed them to look exactly like him; that will assuage any leftover fears from Step #3.

5) Make yourself happy by any means necessary, since your unhappiness will make your husband unhappy.
According to a study cited by Father Noer, wealthier couples with children “suffer a drop in marital satisfaction three times as great as their less affluent peers.” One author of the study speculated that the reason is that wealthier women are used to a “fun, active, entertaining life.” Fun? Action? Entertainment? A happily married women requires not such things. Cut them out immediately. If you are unhappy, fix it; there’s nothing that’ll dampen a man’s spirits more than coming home to a morbid, lifeless wife who spends her days fantasizing about excising his eyeballs with a plastic spatula. Prozac is an option. As is Zoloft. Or Paxil. Or Valium. Alternate days. Add two cups of gin per seving. Works every time.

6) Clean your lovenest to levels that put the worst OCD sufferers to shame. Career women are more likely to force the vile uncleanness of womanhood upon their mates. This must be stopped at any and all costs. The day after your honeymoon ends, walk, drive, bus or hitchhike to the nearest Bed, Bath & Beyond. Purchase at least one of every item in the “Cleaning” section, no questions asked. Then use each item once a day for the duration of your marriage.

7) If, for any reason, you are forced to return to the teeming pit of iniquity that is the modern workforce, never accept a job for greater than minimum wage.
Father Noer decree-eth that men become unhappy when their wives make more money than they do (the Thunderdome cage match between Noer and Times writer Louis Uchitelle over that issue is currently being scheduled; Two moronic journalists enter, one moronic journalist leaves). Stick to minimum wage alternatives such as toll booth operators (beginner salary only) or fast food trainees. Or go for the gold with below- minimum-wage indentured servitude at the local Wal-Mart.

8) Never let him think you’re unhappy with his salary, and never let yourself imagine that you could make more than him.
A man’s salary is a direct key to his masculinity. And, as The Book of Noer states, it’s also the key to our personal joy. We secretly despair if given the opportunity to achieve financial equality with our chosen life partners; it erodes our fragile sense of helplessness and expendability. If you follow this rule and yet still find yourself inexplicably unhappy, see the options discussed in Step #5.

9) Guard his health at all costs.
With all this stress over wives who want to work, earn high incomes and engage in all other manner of useless frippery, our men are losing sleep and falling ill at alarming rates. As Noer-worthy wives setting examples for our female brethren nationwide, we must do all we can to fight this influx of infirmity and keep our breadwinners perky and strong. Spending between 6 and 8 hours per day scrubbing to make your home an unblemished, antiseptic temple of germicides, as per Step #6, will assist in this goal.