So the “Times” wants to talk about women in law firms. It cites the very interesting statistic that, despite the fact that 50% of the associates in first-year classes at most firms are women, less than 17% of partners are female. Of that group of bright-eyed, eager young female first-years, more than half are gone within five years of practice, or so I’m told. The article profiles a particular posterchild for the Successful Woman Partner, one that I’ve met and observed closely in the past. It lists family pressures on women, the lack of mentoring, and the differences in communication habits between the sexes as reasons for the female disappearing act.

This is all very nice and diplomatic. But what it doesn’t say, which I of course will, is this: women leave because, as I’ve so subtlely hammered at for the past year, it fucking sucks to be an associate at a large law firm. It fucking sucks to become a dehumanized commodity in a business where your value as an employee is based primarily on how much of your life you bill in 6-minute increments. It fucking sucks to emerge from an academically intense 3-year training program where you’re taught to analyze and question everything, only to be told to shut up, follow orders and spend 90 hours of every week doing monkey work. It fucking sucks to be at the virtual whim of men (and the occasional woman) who think becoming a partner in a law firm entitles them to swallow the universe with their monstrous egos. It fucking sucks to work 90 hours or more a week, ever, let alone on a regular basis. The only thing that doesn’t fucking suck, of course, is the money.

So here’s my point: male associates want to leave as much, if not more, than many women. But they cave to what they consider greater social and financial pressure to maintain the high-status six-figure job. I think the popular male argument that “women have an easy way out” since they can “marry rich or have babies” is cowardly bullshit that men who feel powerless over their own lives direct at women they see leaving the profession. If you hate it so much, be a man and find a new job – you can do more good for yourself and others that way, plus anyone who would marry you solely on the basis of your fancy business card and high earnings isn’t exactly a soulmate. And newsflash: in this city anyway, lawyers are hardly the Big Earners. The money is just sufficient to keep you in a lifestyle high enough to prevent you from quitting. Welcome to the machine, and enjoy years of career dissatisfaction if you choose not to get out.

Do women have additional problems? Hell yeah. The problem is that earlier statistic – if only 17% of partners at firms are female, it follows that 83% of partners are men. This is our problem. Whether we like it or not, we aren’t anywhere in the ballpark of equals at law firms. We face a whole roost of issues, and the “Times” merely scratches their surface. Physical appearance is one – bottom line, how you look affects your experience at a firm. Some men argue that this is true for them as well – “the handsome guys get the better assignments” – but take a look at most male partners and you’ll see that this theory doesn’t hold out in the long run. It doesn’t take a degree in rocket science (or law) to figure this one out: due to either a Darwinistic wonder of nature or a huge Divine practical joke, men have penises and an instinct to procreate. As a result they look at women a certain way, whether they’ll admit it or not. Blonde? Got a D-cup, long legs or big blue eyes? If you want a partner mentor, then be careful: no woman will likely mentor you, and any man who does so is suspect. Even if his intentions don’t involve staring down your blouse, the chattering jaws behind your back will claim the opposite.

Sex and looks aside, if you want to be elected to a partnership that’s 83% men, you had better play by the majority’s rules. Ask any politician – it’s a no-brainer. Your priorities must become their priorities, your life choices their life choices. This means no “taking a year off to be with the new baby” or “missing a conference call for my son’s doctor appointment.” Make it clear from Day 1 that you will walk, talk and act like them, put them at ease, not bother them with troublesome reminders that you’re female – it distracts them, makes them uncomfortable. If they get drunk at firm functions and ask you gems like “So when did you lose your virginity?” or “Have you ever been intensely attracted to anyone at the firm, so much that you could barely sit at your desk?” you laugh it off and play their game. When you realize that your children need serious therapy for their abandonment issues because you haven’t been home in six years, you say nothing and keep working. The male partnership doesn’t want to be bothered with these human details – they have hours to bill, universes to master.

The answer? I never professed to having figured it out. But I do think that firms can start by focusing less on the “female problem” of retaining women, and more on the overall task of not creating a shitty environment for the vast majority of people who walk through the marble lobby. Practicing law didn’t used to be considered a hollow, dehumanizing activity. Young associates, we (or now just you) also shoulder responsibility for placing more emphasis on shaping our careers and professional development. If we weren’t so busy drooling over the status-filled Midtown office and six-figure salary during law school, we might actually pay attention to our own passions and desires as future attorneys. What do we really want to do with our careers? I can pretty much guarantee it isn’t document review or due diligence.