I’ve mentioned openly hostile acts of aggression like screaming tirades, stapler hurling, etc., all of which occur at plenty of fims. But many law firms pride themselves on their supposed intolerance for flagrant belligerence or maltreatment of associates; these places love to distribute glossy colorful marketing literature describing how their attorneys “practice law in an environment stressing community and the utmost decorum” with zero tolerance for verbal manhandling of associates or staffmembers, the embodiment of a genteel hypercivilized legal practice.

Ah ha! you say. You’re admitting there ARE decent law firms that treat associates with dignity, so all I have to do is avoid the Scream Factories and I’ll sail smoothly through the first five years of my legal career making sweet bank on the cash-lined road to Partnertown, while you and your pretentious vernacular are stuck ingesting daily helpings of partner bullshit then spending your free minutes banging out blog entries to channel the resulting psychological vaccum.

The problem with this brilliant theory is that lawyers will undeniably be lawyers, they are by nature intelligent, demanding and driven - when you suppress their intrinsic aggressive tendencies, they will simply adapt by creating new levels of passive aggression never before achieved by human beings (other than your mother when you’ve failed to call for over two weeks). And thus from the ashes of red-faced partner tantrums are born the insidious underhanded mind games. No voices raised, no delivery of blatant rebukes or insults, merely biting little comments from your superiors that gnaw at your self-esteem and erode your ego over time into a quivering sputtering mass.

Sometimes these gems of undermining are made to your face. For example, one close friend was a recruiting star in law school, her schedule packed with interview callbacks and mailbox flooded with crisp offer letters. But she wanted a decent quality of life (the audacity, how dare she put such trivialities before firm rankings), so she chose a firm that supposedly prides itself on its convivial atmosphere and humane treatment of associates. Some big firms like to put on a good show, they’ll even provide amenities like free snack bars and lounges with huge flat screen TVs as the ultimate Siegfried & Roy version of employee misdirection- smoke, mirrors, free Fanta and rice cakes, and 50″ plasmas to distract you from the huge associate attrition rate and the wires holding up the “levitated” tigers.

After about 5 months of working relentless nights, weekends and holidays with no end in sight, Friend finally said screw it, time to blow this joint for a small boutique. When she broke the news to the partners in her group, down rained the massive subversion-storm of passive aggresive manipulation. Senior partners called her into their offices to gravely “inform” her that she was “making the mistake of her life” and “jeopardizing her career” by leaving such a prestigious firm after such a short time, as if voluntarily departing the Bigfirm world was like torching your only copy of your newly-discovered secret formula for delicious fat free cheeseburgers. Of course these lawyers conveniently neglected to mention the part about what an enormous pain in his ass finding her replacement would be, but concentrated on manipulating her through fear into staying. Because, by choosing a path not theirs, you challenge their whole order in which all must claw and fight to reach the ultimate life goal: partnership at their firm.

Then there are the behind your back assaults. These can be particularly deadly because you aren’t readily aware of the danger, so you fail to perform damage control or call in reinforcements. I learned the hard way that the firm structure has no room for junior associates stepping out of place, and while a “nice” firm may not yell at you for transgressing the boundaries, you’ll nonetheless get the inevitable boot up the ass eventually. As a very green associate, I was assigned a project with a heavy hitting partner. I knew he was a daily Floor Lapper so, desperate to impress this superior intellect with my willingness to be at his perpetual beck and call, I suggested that he stop at my office any time he was passing by, and I would then deliver an impromptu progress report. A few weeks later, I was called into the hiring partner’s office (the equivalent of a Seventh Seal summoning) and informed that “complaints had been made” about my failure to show appropriate deference and realize my place in the greater scheme of the firm. Specifically, “a partner” had complained that I had told him to stop by my office, as opposed to the correct storing of Limited Edition Featherweight Nike Sprinters under my desk to facilitate dashing to his side before the phone could ring twice (she didn’t exactly say that last part, but you get the drift). I was floored - the partner had said nothing to my face, but had smiled and remained perfectly cordial, all while reporting to the “authorities” that I was a disrespectful blasphemer of firm Gospel who had openly disobeyed the third Big Firm Commandment - Thou Shalt Fawn Obsequiously Before All Partners (the first two being Thou Shalt Bill Every Possible Waking Minute and Thou Shalt Not Replace the Pantry Coffee with Decaf). In all honesty, after witnessing both M.O.s, I prefer the purple-faced and spitting screamers to the backhanded spine-knifing passive aggressors. Always preferable to know thy enemy.

How to handle it all without gradually morphing into an affected simpering shell, mincing through the hallways with a fixed plastic smile and a full bottle of Paxil? I haven’t quite worked that out yet. But despite any critical onslaught that comes my way, be it active or passive, I always keep in mind the invaluable words of that true master of modern social philosophy, The Rock:

“Know your role, and shut your mouth.”