Some raging asshole grabbed my ass on the subway ride home last night. As I spun around to unleash an appropriately ballistic tirade of bitchiness, the little invertebrate with a penis jumped out of the car and sped away from the platform. Yet another gem in the scabrous rough of the male species.

You have to admire it when pathetic would-be-assailants use mass transit as an opportunity to practice their future sex crimes techniques. My favorite subway molestation experience occurred a few years ago, I was on the train with 3 male associates headed to Little Italy for one of those firm “Progressive Dinners,” the type where you chug lousy (but free) carafes of wine and eat mediocre overpriced appetizers at one ridiculously touristy inauthentic Italian place, then move on to lousy (but free) wine and mediocre overpriced entrees at another, etc. etc. (every firm in Manhattan throws one of these at least 6 times a year). Around the 28th street stop, some sexual deviant grabbed my rear end as he was exiting the train. I was mildly pissed and embarrassed (you live in New York long enough, you get groped occasionally in public, it happens) until I turned around and realized that my coworkers had witnessed the entire incident and were laughing hysterically - then I was completely mortified. When we arrived at the dinner, they proceeded to tell a table full of male partners and senior associates that I had “made a new friend” on the train and was “meeting up with him after the dinner.” Yes gentlemen, please lets mock my recent degrading brush with assault. Good times.

But I do wonder what goes through the minds of these deviant subway satyrs. Do they actually have a rational thought process leading up to the big moment of contact? I can imagine something like, “That girl over there buried in the Times Arts & Leisure section with her iPod cranked up to unsafe decibel levels, she’s clearly desperately trying to conceal her desire to have her ass grabbed by a complete stranger at this very moment, and I, being the sensitive and accomodating chap that I am, will be happy to oblige her.” There’s an excellent example of some surefire logic, that same pattern of reasoning has surely led him to make other brilliant decisions in the past like drowning kittens in 5th grade or trying Meth for the 37th time this week. Who knows what idiocy lurks in the minds of men. After an incident like the one last night, I’ll wonder about it for a while, until it hits me that chances are, I really just don’t want to know.